Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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