A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
