Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
