I'm so fucking centered right now
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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