new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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