Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
