My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
