So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
