About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
