I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
