how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
