PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
there was a trapeze. enough said
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
