if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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