then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
