Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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