1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
