I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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