I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
