You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you are never too drunk for berry picking
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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