They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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