note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
