just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
