There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
