If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
