I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
