Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
