in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
