dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
