Is it normal to miss your booty call?
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
