I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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