Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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