Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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