it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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