Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
