Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
