***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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