Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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