The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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