i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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