trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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