This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
