So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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