apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
