I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.