You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.