Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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