In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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