Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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