I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
