sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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