My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
