I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
