I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
