i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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