The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize