you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
