let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
