Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
